There comes a time when a conversation about a difficult subject is inevitable. It’s not easy to tell an employee you’re letting them go, to terminate business with a supplier – or client, or to break off a relationship. Avoiding real or perceived conflict makes it easy to hang on and delay addressing a situation. Unfortunately, this short-term tactic rarely works and, in the end, can cause long-term damage.

Some elements can help make any tough conversation more effective:

Don’t act in haste.

Acting in haste is often driven by an emotional reaction to a situation. We’re never at our best when anger, frustration, or a survival instinct hijack our common sense, and we lash out, making the problem worse. Keep your cool, respond instead of reacting (there’s a big difference), and deal with the matter as calmly as possible. Then, when the immediate issue is handled, focus your attention on whatever caused it. Creating this space gives you time to think about the root cause versus instantly assigning liability. It’s easy to blame shoddy work on the contractor you hired. The fact that you didn’t clearly outline your expectations, check their qualifications, or monitor their progress isn’t their fault. Yelling at them or terminating their contract might feel good – for a nanosecond. You’re still left with the problem. Consider whether you took it for granted that they could handle the job and if spending some time training them is worthwhile. It can be more cost-effective than starting from scratch.

Prepare.

Prepare for the conversation by reviewing everything you know to be true. This means ignoring hearsay and gossip and focusing on observable behaviour and outcomes. Don’t rely solely on memory. Keep notes, jot down facts, and check your records. If your records show nine of ten deliveries were received more than a day late, it carries more weight than generalizing “you’re always late” or “everyone knows you can’t deliver on time, and I’m tired of it.” You can almost anticipate a reply that highlights the occasion when they were, in fact, on time.

If a client is costing you money, do some homework and investigate exactly how much time and effort you spend on their account. Unrealistic expectations, poor time management, or an inability to give you scheduled data delivery can be culprits on the client’s end. There will always be people in our lives we wouldn’t choose as friends, so carefully weigh whether your expectations and preferences bias your experience with them. Read our previous posts on contracts for ways to manage client relationships, which echo our sentiment here: clear expectations for behaviour and deliverables for both sides are essential to success.

Plan the conversation.

If you’ve decided to have a serious talk, avoid an impromptu chat. What seems like the right time might be because they’ve triggered you by their actions, so a spur-of-the-moment discussion might seem timely when it’s more likely an emotional reaction. Instead, schedule a time and place. “I’d like to meet to go over a few things” gives the other party time to prepare themselves and not feel ambushed.

Make notes of key points you want to cover, anticipate possible responses, and practice what you will say. Focus on the behaviour and outcomes, not the person, by avoiding accusatory remarks. “You expect the moon, but you don’t give us the data on time!” will only provoke the listener. “We’re unable to complete the monthly stats for you without the data being in our hands by the 15th” addresses the action needed for a specific outcome.

Listen carefully.

You might anticipate excuses, rationale, and why things have gone off track. But also keep an open mind for the unexpected. Health and family issues impact our lives, and while it’s challenging to run a business at the best of times, stressful concerns affect all of us. While you may still be sure you need to end a relationship, be compassionate and respectful if there are extenuating circumstances.

You might also discover that the perceived problem isn’t what you thought. You might uncover misunderstandings that can be corrected through an open dialog. You may find that differing perceptions, values, and interpretations are more at fault than the facts. “Help me to understand” will give you a clearer picture of what’s happening rather than holding a one-sided conversation.

Are you ready to rumble?

No, we aren’t suggesting your challenging conversation turn into a street fight – here’s a bonus strategy that could benefit any business or relationship:

“A rumble is a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard.” ~ Brene Brown